Hasn't life been a doozy lately...! I can see from other people's blogs that many of us are feeling it to some degree, but speaking just for myself I definitely feel like I've been through a very strong dynamic lately and I am now possibly emerging out the other side.
These last couple of months have been so intense! I've had a real peak of questioning of self, of painful self-examination. I've had physical symptoms, relating to stomach pains and difficulties ahem in the bathroom.I've had some intense dreams at night. And then this past weekend I feel I reached a culmination of everything so far this year.
I was laying out on the balcony enjoying a warm winter day, when I had a realisation. (I seem to get a lot of these on the balcony!!) All the pain and intensity and erratic behaviour I'd been experiencing had been the death throes of a part of myself - a part of myself that is poisonous, that is negative, that in fact thrives on negativity and tries to get me to do more negative stuff so it can feed itself more. The author Eckhart Tolle calls this inner entity, the "pain body".
It seems that we all have a "pain body", whether we know it or not, and its that part of our psyche that is primitive, primal and unrefined. I guess it could be classed as the "survival" part of us, the part that wants to preserve itself no matter what the cost. Or it could simply be like the Star Trek Next Generation episode "Skin of Evil", in which a gooey, tar-like substance which is a residue of all the evil in a society threatens the Enterprise crew.
What I'm trying to say is that I could feel this thing within me really subside, and if not die off completely then certainly lose a lot of its power. Lately I have been pursuing a life long aim of improving myself, purifying my mind, my body, and my behaviours. Its not that I follow any particular or rigorous course of action - its simply something I have grown my awareness of over many years and its something I guess I've always aimed out deep down. But lately especially I have been letting go of a lot of negative patterns - addictions, negative thoughts and the like - and I guess depriving my "pain body" of the energy it needs to stay active.
And so it seems that lately my pain body was reacting to my efforts with greater intensity - like a final blast of negativity (erratic behaviours, outbursts, selfishness etc) as a desperate attempt to keep the negative cycles going. But as I lay there on the balcony I felt these energies finally subside, like a dimmer switch was turned right down. Phew! About time too.
I am really encouraged in my self-work to see that I am getting these results. No question about it, personal improvement is not a path for the faint-hearted. I feel like I've been challenged on every front by this process - physically, mentally, emotionally. Your whole being gets challenged when you decide you want to grow, to improve, and it takes guts and perseverance to get through it. But if you keep your faith through it all, and stay willing to be corrected (and God knows I have been pretty intensely stubborn at times, serving the pain body without realising it!) and stay willing to return to a loving perspective, you can make it.
I guess its a detox program for the soul!! I want to wish everyone else who may be on a similar path all the good fortune in the world. Remember to watch and listen for guidance that wants to come through, and as always